Would you look at that, another Valentine's Day comes around and you're still single, lonely, and uglier than last year. Some things really never change, huh? (just like your diet and hygiene lol). If you're a real one, then you'll remember my OG classic, one of a kind, limited edition Valentines Day cards from last year with my famous patented roasts. Well guess what bitches? We're back and going harder than ever with 5 new postcards ready to be sent out your way. 
 
As you can tell, all of my postcards are individually customized and written to you from the very bottom of my heart, and I mean the VERY bottom. Like, straight from my ass because I could care less about you. Just make sure to include some juicy details about your life so I can personalize them to your liking and roast you as close to home as possible. Remember to keep telling yourself that Valentines Day is overrated and a commercial scam meant to drive sales for Big Chocolate and Big Roses while you stuff your gull with pizza pockets wrapped in a blanket watching The Notebook for the 12th time. 
 
"I don't need a man / woman" you tell yourself, but the desperate desire to be touched by another being that isn't your mother overwhelms you from within as you reach for your phone to text your ex "u up?" but alas, no response, so you're left to your own, sad, existence as you open your drawer and whip out ol' reliable. 
 
Also, all orders are delivered via carrier pigeon, you may know him as Jerry, and Jerry doesn't provide a tracking address since these are sent with stamps inside a regular envelope. Like they used to do during the caveman times. So be patient with Jerry, your order will arrive. Maybe not in time for Valentines Day, but that is a risk I'm willing to take.